were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
