how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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