Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is Oprah even human
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
