I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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