I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
