Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
