I want to make a zoo with you.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
