Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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