Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
