You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize