I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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