I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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