Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
