Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
