mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
