I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
