Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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