When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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