Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
