i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
