Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
