There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
