What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
