you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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