I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
