i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
