I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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