My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
