So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
