Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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