Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
