Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize