Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize