Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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