I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
