found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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