it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
