I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize