just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
