i don't like sucking hair
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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