If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
