guys are not supposed to queef...right?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
