someone threw a dead crab at me
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
