Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
