I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
