Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He passed out mid-signature
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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