umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
