I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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