I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
