it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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