hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize