ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
