I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
