soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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