Your mouth is God's brothel.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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