dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We need to get me chipped asap
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
