I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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