When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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