I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
