life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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