so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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