he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
