I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
